Week 22 Checkup

Today I had my Monthly Checkup with my OB.  I have been very anxious about it and have been waiting for it since I went in for my ultrasound. 

Why anxious?  Because I have been making myself sick with worry and anxiety since we went for the ultrasound and we told there was a cyst in the baby's brain.  Even typing those words makes me sick to my stomach.  It isn't something that I like to think about.  I think I have become slightly un-attached to being pregnant in the last couple of weeks.  

At the ultrasound the tech and the Dr told us that there was a spot in the brain (it showed up as a white spot on the ultrasound) that could be a cyst.  Worst case scenario is that the baby has a rare genetic disorder.  It is a kind of like Down's as far as it is an extra pair on one of the chromosomes.  (I don't remember the name of the disorder, the dr lingo confused me as much as what I was hearing about my baby!)  If it is this, the mortality rate is very high.  It can causes problems with the brain and the cardiovascular system, basically the brain doesn't work right and doesn't tell the heart and other organs to work.  

A couple of good things were in our favor.  First, I had a blood test done and it came back negative for this disorder.  Secondly, if a baby does have this, then their hands are usually malformed, looking more clawlike and curved.  They also would have some of the malformations similar to Down's - short neck, etc.  Our baby did not have any of the physical symptoms.

The ultrasound Dr. made it sound like no big deal and that 1-2% of the population has these 'cysts' and they are normally functioning and walking around without any problems.  Good to know.  And I think I left the appointment holding onto that. 

A few days later, though, it really hit me.  It hit me hard.  Something may be wrong with my baby.  My baby wasn't even born yet and something was wrong.  Something I have no control over.  Something that could potentially be life-threatening.  Something that God-willing will be nothing.

I think that was when I went into 'survival mode'.  People were congratulating us on having a girl and were so excited for us.  I smiled and nodded.  No one knew that I was slowly detaching myself from my baby.  It was all I could do to not have a nervous breakdown.  In my brain, it was worst case scenario - the baby wasn't going to make it.  I would carry her until the end, but then there was nothing I could do.  At least my baby had been able to receive a body and would be able to return to her Heavenly Father and be spared the pain of Earthly life.  But my heart hoped for the best - my baby would join her sisters in our family and be able to live a full healthy life.  Reality has me thinking it will probably be somewhere in between.  I don't know.

All I know is that is has been a very hard few weeks.  The unknown is killing me.  At this point I really believe that ignorance is bliss.  There isn't anything I can do to change whatever will be, so I almost wish I didn't know.

So, that brings me back to today's appointment.  My OB reassured me that things like this pop up all the time (ya, but this is my baby).  Most of the time it turns out to be nothing (most of the time?  that's not reassuring to me!).  My blood test came back fine and the baby looks great (I am still not 100% here!).  She told me not to worry myself (too late!)  She also told me that the next ultrasound would probably clear it all up and the baby would be fine (still holding my breath!)

Next week I go back in for another high-tech ultrasound to see how things look.  I pray that it will all be ok.  I have to rely on faith at this point.  There isn't anything I can do, except keep myself healthy for the baby and do all of the things that a pregnant woman would normally do.  It will be a very long 4ish months!

We had a family fast this past weekend and I am grateful for everyone who fasted or prayed for us.  I know we haven't made this a public announcement, until now (as public as anyone considers my blog!)  Mat and I are hopeful that all will turn out the way it suppose to, no matter what that means.